Two posts in one week? I'm trying! Usually my daily blogging lasts very little. Maybe three days, but here's to trying.
I've had such a weird morning already. I don't really feel myself because this is the second time I've dreamt that I was pregnant without knowing it. And each time, it's a little girl, due in July or August.
In the real world, that kind of thing doesn't compute, but the dreams are so powerful, it takes a while to scrub them out. So I've been in a haze, already reassured about the world and the rules that are in and all of the facts.
I've been wondering at the same time, what I should post about today and I found it.
With all this talk about relationships and families, both in my social life, love life, and dream life (stupid dream life,) I'm aware of some of the stupid things I've subscribed to as a teenager, in hopes to lift myself up.
I went back to being friends with one of the girls I thought was levelheaded in high school. I've realized that the whole white picket fence and 2.5 with a dog isn't at all what I want. (Which is a huge feat, left for another post!)
And seeing how much I've personally grown in the last ten years, I realize how some people never have.
This is how it started.
I'm always on Facebook. I have dumb phone so where I am able to chat with my family and friends and loved ones is on there. I'm always on there. So I get the usual stupid notifications. One of the ones I get is A Page you like and it reminds me to unfollow or unlike.
Since in high school, this was a popular thing to do. Like all of the pages and things that were important or said something about. You know, because people needed to know your various facets.
But I do check them out because not all of them are that bad. This is the one that came through today.
I don't even remember liking that page. But I could have been drunk. Or just jaded.
First of all, the word daughter scared the shit out of me. The universe was taunting me. It was telling me it knew about my dreams. Don't you dare put that evil on me.
Second, I was like, okay, this is probably good. At very least, I'll see the admin has kids and baby pictures well, I might as well look, right?
I don't know who runs the page. I assumed at first a grown person, but the more I saw the posts, the more I remembered about how I was a teenager and how I categorized people by how they treated me.
Boys vs. Men.
The grade school, middle school, high school thing to do when a guy can't commit or doesn't feel comfortable in a relationship is call him a boy and say you're looking for a man.
It was in all the movies and lyrics and posters of my day. All my girlfriends would write me notes with the same thing.
Back then I did notice some of my guy friends unhappy. They're held to standards too. Stick with someone for the long haul or maybe you're a little kid, incompetent.
I wish I could undo the damage I was part of.
It wasn't until this year that I realized that all of the things that I thought were expected of me didn't mean crap to me. I thought I was holding back because secretly I wanted the husband, the 2.5, the kids, the house, the home life.
I made the Pinterest boards and the baby name lists and all of that nesting thing, but it always felt so wrong. I questioned my sexuality (if I even had one) at one point, because I just wasn't after any of the things I should have been.
I'd always duck my head when someone in my family said I was going to get married soon enough, just wait.
And this year, the closest I've ever felt to finding someone who might be that 2.5+dogs+house type deal, I took this roller coaster ride. Almost a full year and I've gone through a few stages.
1. Pinterest board! Time to settle
2. This could work out
3. Relationships are HARD
4. This isn't going to work out. But I don't know why not.
5. I made the right call.
6. I did not make the right call.
7. Relationships are HARD
8. I like your company, a lot
9. Too many problems, can't handle
10. Business will help me see it objectively
11. Not until I'm 30
12. Not at all
It really was up and down all year. Well, it hasn't been a full year. I don't think I'll stick to this train of thought too long. As weird as it is to say, at least weird for me, at twenty-four, I'm still growing and changing.
I'll learn new things and new viewpoints. I might change my mind. As weird as it is to think, there's a full year. Who knows? I might have a baby and a husband by the end of it. Things change so fast so much right now for me.
But as far as my plans, and talking it out with a friend, I know I want something else. I want to be published before I'm 30. At least I'll try really hard.
I want to be involved in a movie aspect. I want to review them. I want to be known for work with them.
I want time to still be me.
After all of that, I can't believe I saw this:
Because I finally understood why that was so selfish and wrong for me to do.
I changed so much. If someone had stuck by me and built a family with me, I wouldn't be the person I am today. No doubt I'd eventually love the life I built and yeah, I will never know how much or who I would be as a person, but I believe that I'm still growing and changing and this is the natural course of my life.
Everything else? It could have made me really unhappy.
And to pressure people like this?
I am so sorry to all the boys who I pressured with stupid lines like this. You deserve freedom and happiness and love all on your own terms and your own way. You deserve to be childlike and still want someone to wake up to. You can be a "real man" a full grown, fully developed male being and not want someone to wake up to every morning.
You deserve the same things as me.
Now, if you will all excuse me, I'm going to go remind myself that I'm not pregnant. And get back to writing and movies.